Supporting Autistic Students in Building Peer Relationships

Peer relationships play an important role in students’ sense of belonging and engagement at school. For autistic students, developing peer relationships can sometimes be more challenging because many social expectations center around neurotypical norms. While it can be helpful to understand certain norms, such as turn-taking in conversations, the responsibility for adapting is often placed entirely on autistic students.

Rethinking Social Skills for Autistic Students

Autistic students do not need to be taught how to “fit in” in order to build peer relationships. In fact, when social success is defined by how well a student performs in a social setting, students may appear socially successful while still feeling disconnected or unsafe. This can be especially true for autistic girls who often mask their autistic traits while struggling internally.

Many traditional social skills approaches emphasize behaviors like eye contact and scripted responses, even though these do not necessarily lead to genuine connection. Placing these expectations on autistic students adds unnecessary barriers and can be exhausting or uncomfortable.

Instead, peer relationships should be treated as a shared responsibility. A more supportive approach focuses on helping students understand each other. This includes teaching students that people can communicate in different ways and that discomfort and differences do not automatically mean something or someone is “wrong.”

Educators can also support shared understanding by reducing guesswork in social situations. For example, if there’s a group project, explain how long the activity will last, assign roles, and model what collaboration can look like in multiple ways. These small steps make social interaction more predictable and less stressful.

When expectations are clear and differences are normalized, autistic students are better able to engage on their own terms and show up as their authentic selves. At the same time, neurotypical peers gain a clearer understanding of how communication can vary and learn not to close themselves off from people simply because they interact differently than they do. 

How Schools Can Support Peer Relationships

Small, intentional shifts in classroom design coupled with support from staff members can improve peer relationships without forcing interaction or placing pressure on autistic students.

Design interactions around shared interests

Shared interests naturally lower social pressure and provide built-in conversation starters. Schools can support this by:

• Creating interest-based groups or activities
• Offering collaborative projects where students choose roles aligned with their strengths
• Using games or structured play that center around problem-solving or achieving a shared goal

Suzi G., a clinical director of a private K-12 inclusion school in California, saw peer relationships improve in her school within six weeks of using Social Cipher’s online SEL game, Ava. She observed students with fewer support needs helping students with higher support needs and interacting with students who were selectively speaking and non-speaking. Before using Ava, her students did not interact much with each other, but the game gave them a low-pressure way to connect.

When students connect through interests, communication feels more authentic and less forced.

Teach all students, not just autistic students

Peer relationships improve when all students understand that people communicate and interact differently. This can include:

• Modeling respectful ways to respond to different communication styles
• Teaching that it is okay for peers to communicate directly or take time to respond
• Encouraging students to ask questions or seek clarification instead of correcting each other

These strategies do not single out autistic students or require a lesson about autism. Instead, they help create a classroom culture where differences are expected and respected.

Reduce unspoken social rules

Many social challenges stem from expectations that are never clearly stated. Reducing unspoken rules can look like:

• Giving clear instructions for group work, including examples of what collaboration looks like
• Using visual supports to show steps for working together or sharing materials
• Keeping social activities predictable so students know what to expect

These supports benefit autistic students and often reduce frustration and conflict for neurotypical peers as well.

Common Practices That Can Harm Peer Relationships

Even well-intentioned strategies can unintentionally create barriers. Some common pitfalls include:

• Forcing group work without adequate structure or choice
• Assigning peer buddies without consent, guidance, or clear boundaries
• Expecting students to engage in specific social behaviors (like initiating conversation or maintaining eye contact) in order to be included or viewed as successful.

These approaches can increase anxiety and pressure students to perform socially instead of connecting in ways that feel safe and sustainable. 

What Meaningful Progress Actually Looks Like

In many cases, progress is subtle and gradual. Meaningful progress does not mean that all of the students become best friends. Instead, progress might look like a student:

• Choosing to sit near peers
• Communicating boundaries or preferences
• Participating in shared activities
• Feeling safe enough to opt-in or opt-out of social interactions

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One of the most important aspects of supporting peer relationships is following the students’ lead and not trying to force connection. A student sitting alone is not necessarily lonely or feeling excluded; they may just like spending time by themselves. However, if the student expresses a desire to sit with others but feels held back by anxiety or uncertainty, that is an opportunity to provide support that respects their autonomy.

 When schools measure success by comfort, choice, and mutual respect rather than conformity, autistic students are more likely to develop genuine peer relationships.

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If you’re exploring tools that support peer relationships in low-pressure, neurodiversity-affirming ways, you can learn more about Social Cipher’s free pilot program here.

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